So I have been
thinking about writing this for about 6 months now.
I haven’t had the
courage to share but I find myself home alone on a Sunday evening Ironically
feeling stuffed full from brownies I just made and a little inspiration came to
me.
Now I’m not really
sure where to start or where to end, to be honest and I’m not sure there is an
ending?
I will start from the
very beginning .I had never had a weight problem growing up I was a fussy eater
as a child and my mother would take me to the doctors in tears begging them to
try anything to make me eat.
And I am regularly
reminded that I lived of apple juice and chicken nuggets and nothing else, and
a practically scary trip to Italy resulted in me eating nothing but ice cream
and apple juice for over 2 weeks, mum said I had about 2 hot meals in the whole
holiday!
However at the age of
11 I clicked out of this and began to eat slightly more normally and got the
normal puppy fat but nothing extreme and slimed down by the age of 14. I was a keen dancer and would dance 3/4 times a week in school and in a local dance school, this allowed my diet of bags of crisps chocolate and chips to do little to my figure and I was a healthy size for my 5’7 frame and was never bigger than a size 10 but mainly sticking with size 8. I never felt pressure to look a certain way at school I was reasonably happy never bullied or called fat and my biggest stress normally resulted in doing my hair rather than the size of my hips or bum.
Above trying on my Prom dress aged 15, and my last day of Secondary school at 16.
Excuse the lack of photos here phone no iphones back in 2006/2007!
When I left school I
also stopped dancing so much but didn’t edit my diet to accommodate this The
endless supply of food in college wasn’t much help either with Mc Donald’s and
pizza hut also opposite the college.
It was at this time I also had my first
“ Proper” boyfriend and as I got more comfortable I would eat more (date nights
with endless sweeties didn’t help either) In the years between 16-18 I can
imagine I put on around 10 pounds. (I work in pounds rather than stone sorry!)
Nothing to drastic as I was very slim before and now was a size 10/12 and a healthy
weight.
Above In 2009 aged 17/18
After I finished
college is when the issues really started. I decided to do a degree in fashion promotion
at UCA in south London. Just before I moved I found myself a new boyfriend and
was blissfully happy that summer and probably slimed down about 4/5 pounds that
I had gained at college.
However when I got to
University I was miserable, I was 18 years old and had never been away from my
home for more than 3 weeks, and the 6/7 hour trek from Cornwall and the hefty
train fare was dreadful. I missed my boyfriend the most and would cry for hours
and hours and hours. I hated the course I was on and the tutors and just felt
very out of place, I wasn’t into drugs, I didn’t get wasted and I didn’t have
an endless supply of mummy’s and daddy’s money to live off to go partying in
central with.
As the months went on
I would get more and more depressed I would quite literally sit in my room and
cry over and over for days and days I wouldn’t go to lecture the only thing I
would leave the house for was to get chocolate AND LOTS OF IT!
I would eat and cry
and cry and eat ( yes a hilarious image for many I’m sure) But in all
seriousness I was in quite a deep depression.
The only full length photo I could find of my time at UCA! End of 2009
When my boyfriend
would come and visit this was escape time to forget the screw up of my life and
the massive debt I was in and the few friends I had, we would have amazing
weekends filled with you guessed it.. FOOD Nandos, Wagagmamas ice cream cinema
and shopping probably consuming more than double 20000 calories in one weekend!
And when he was gone it was back to crying and eating some more.
I noticed that my
jeans no longer fit my skin had broken out and was pale and grey looking As I
never weighed myself it hard to know how much I put on or even weighed but My
estimate Is that between September 2009 and march 2010 I gained about 14
pounds.
One day I woke up in
my little uni room called my dad and begged him to come get me, I knew I had to
get out and leave before I did something silly.
I left UCA and never
looked back and spent the next 5 months in Cornwall working on and off in
waiting jobs in these 5 months I don’t think I gained or lost anything just my
sanity!
September 2010 rolled
around and I had applied for a fresh start at a new university just 3/4 hours
drive from my house I was starting a new course in Events management and was
going to be having the “ Real” uni experience that I craved so badly at UCA.
I moved into halls and
met some of the best people in my life so far I drank properly for the first
time (I was 19/20 by then) and Was even sick from alcohol for the first time
ever (bless me) I loved my course and the area that I lived and I was very happy
Of course this meant I ate When I’m sad I eat and when I’m happy I eat. You
just can’t win can you?
So Christmas and New
year 2010/11 this is a major stand out point for me I was back celebrating in Cornwall
with friends and family and for new years had gone out with a group of girlfriend’s
of course pictures were taken etc etc…
I remember the next
bit so clear in my memory I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Myself
and my boyfriend had gone to the beach for a new years day walk when I started
getting notifications on my phone that I add been tagged in photos on facebook
Now you will see from the photos below why I was so devastated and upset.
I looked awful.. the
dress wasn’t doing my ANY favours But I felt physically sick looking at them
and burst into tears.. Our lovely day out was ruined. I do know my weight from
this time as I forced myself to weigh myself and it pains me to say I was 183 pounds
I vowed to join a gym back in Cheltenham and get fit..
Yes that is me.. YES Its bad!! NYE 2010/2011
Did this happen? Of
course not with the de tagging of the photos it was easily forgotten and going
out and drinking was a much nicer option than joining a gym.
In January 2011 I also
got a new part time job as a sales assistant as a boutique in Cheltenham this
allowed me the income to not join a gym but to by even more pizza of course!
Time and uni went on
and no weight was gained or lost and I stayed the same pretending I was happy
with how I looked when in reality I would dodge every photo I could and would
de tag any photos taken of me! Because
no one had ever said Ali you are fat.. and because I had a very loving boyfriend I never really allowed myself to
think I was.
Over summer 2011 I contracted
a bad tummy infection and was ill for around 4 months in and out of the doctors
this was a slight blessing in disguise because It meant (again predicted) I
lost about 6 /7 pounds. I soon got over the illness once back in uni for my 2nd
year but luckily I don’t think I put the 6/7 pounds I lost. (Well maybe one or
2) haha!
So the year went by
and I landed myself a yearlong placement in SUNNY FLORIDA. (This is where it
gets juicy)
I packed my bags and
my bikini (although I should have re evaluated that bit) and on the 4th
October 2012 got on a plane!
Now.. it was hot hot
hot when we arrived which meant little clothing had to be worn again photos got
uploaded and I cried myself to sleep about the way I looked… but this time it
was different I didn’t have time to be worried about the way I looked or even
felt I was working up to 15 hours a day on my feet all day..
The people I worked with slowly started
saying I looked good and had lost weight due to being active and on my feet all
day I was so happy for the first 5 months of my time away. Sadly My boyfriend
and I Decided the distance as to much as he was now living in Spain for work
and we just didn’t have the time to speak and we ended our 4 year relationship
in January 2013.
Luckily this didn’t
quite effect me the way I expected as I was working so much I didn’t have time
to be sad!
I was starting to slim
down and probably lost around 4 pounds in the 4/5 months. While in America I
met a new boy.. We had been good friends since the day we met but nothing had
ever happened as I was committed to my boyfriend.
Now this is the bit I
like to call “ this wasn’t Ali.. this was another human all together lets call
her Alison”
In the next 5 months I
became someone now to myself unrecognisable I don’t even know how to explain or
where to start.
I began being woken in
the night with the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my life.. it would
keep me awake for 6 hours at a time I would sit up crying ( very quietly so not
to wake Jordan my room mate)
I would take 4-5
painkillers at a time and that wouldn’t even knock the pain out. Before I had
come to Florida I had been told I had gallstones ( f you aren’t sure what this
is go to Google and find out this blog posts long enough with out that bit)
They hadn’t caused me
any pain in the first 5 months but as soon as work started getting more stressful
my relationship ended and I began a new one with some I knew wasn’t right for
me at all the pain began every night all night. I was exhausted I would work 10
hours.. on 1 hours sleep I was grumpy because of the lack of sleep.. any type
of food would set of the pain I was emotional all the time I stopped laughing
at things and I had a glazed expression I just wasn’t Ali.. I was nasty Alison!
The pain started
getting so bad I began not eating .Probably consuming 500/600 cals a day and
working on my feet all day. The stress got more the pain got worse until one
day I got so bad that I collapsed and had to go to hospital where I was put on
a drip and given morphine.
This is when I knew I
couldn’t stay in America anymore the doctor told me I needed an operation
because I had a potentially life threatening condition and needed my
gallbladder removed.
I decided to leave my
placement in Florida with a heavy heart I had such a mixed experience and by
now was totally emotionless in pain and miserable. My parents had booked a
holiday to Miami so I stayed around for that when my mum saw me she cried
because one she missed me and also because I was in such a terrible physical
and emotional state.
That holiday I mainly
stayed inside the air-conditioned hotel room lying in bed in agony.
This is the week I
LOST ALL THE WEIGHT! My estimate is that in 10 days I dropped around 10 pounds.
(Pretty crazy!!)
I flew home to England
at the end of June and my goodness was I happy to be home the stress lighted of
my shoulders to be away from the place I worked (I hated where I worked but
that’s another story)
I ended the
relationship with the boy I met in Florida and cut all ties. And guess what the
pain left.. from the day I landed in England to this day now I have not had one
bit of pain.
This to many is
unexplainable.. maybe I passed my gallstones?
Maybe but highly unlikely as my
whole gallbladder was clogged and to pass so many I would notice and it would
hurt!
I was tanned and had
my hair done bright blonde and was about a stone lighter than when I left and newly
single And then attention started rolling in.. something I had never experienced before being chatted up in
a club.. or even asked for my number in a shop was insane to me!
I decided to join a
local gym and boy did I go HAM! I went nearly 5 times a week for 8 weeks.. and
lost a further 14 pounds or so ( one
stone) bringing my total weightless from Jan 2011- Aug 2012 to around 33 pounds!! Most of which was lost in less than 5 months!
Me at my heaviest start of 2010.. and then August 2013
I began to take notice
for the first time in 22 years of what I was eating No more crisps chocolate
was cut out completely for a month ( although I haven’t stuck to this I have
kept it much lower than what it ever was)
I found I started to
enjoy exercise for the first time in 4 years since I left my dance school. I
loved the cross trainer and rowing machine and started doing weights and squats
to tone.
So that brings us to
now.. Yes I have gained 6 pounds since the summer I had forget how hard it is
to eat well while at uni.. and with cheap alcohol and nights out its hard!! But I am still proud to say that I
have gone to the gym every week (minus one week where my membership ran out)
for 8 months now! I am a size
10/12 and Hardly ever de tag a photo anymore!
I am determined to
lose the 6 pounds I have gained and a further 4 in time for my summer holiday
at the end of June. And am starting with a personal training session on Monday
to turn it up a notch.
Jan 2014
I am still not sure why I wrote this blog
post but its been strangely therapeutic and I even shed a few tears. Seeing the person I am now to what
I was is incredible. I am so proud of everything I have achieved so far.
There is so much more
to the story, which I will add to one day! But this blog post is rather rather
long.. I shall leave it here and if you got this far. then thank you and well
done!
Bye for now!
